World’s Worst Novel: Chapter Four

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72 Responses to World’s Worst Novel: Chapter Four

  1. EO says:

    Every once in a while, when you are surfing around youtube, from tune to tune, you find something that just knocks you back a bit, something you really never expected to see.

    Here’s one.

  2. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    thanks for saving me with a new post Xty. my wife says my painting last night was awful. i will admit that i had been “soaking up drink like a sponge”, prior to picking up the brush. still, i don’t think it’s my worst.

    i’m a little worried for this Dan character. i’m afraid that he is going to get screwed over, or worse, maybe Angie is going to whack him next.

  3. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    google translate this EO. “Ich habe einen Kater.” 😳

  4. DN says:

    Good day Xty and gents. Another day in paradise (even if DP has to sit under a sun lamp and use his imagination a little bit! -hang in there buddy!)

    just had a bunch of scrambled eggs, with my famous cheese toast.

    (toast a piece of bread on the iron skillet, then throw a handful of shredded cheese right onto the skillet, and lay the toast on top of it. The cheese burns up into the bread and gets all dark brown and doesn’t even stick unless you try and take it off too soon)

    Good to see The World’s Worst (and Xty’s first) Novel now off the runway and clear of the tree line. (((very proud of Xty!))) YOU’RE DOING IT ! ! !

  5. EO says:

    Off the top of my head, I’ve got “I have a _______”. Hate to cheat (like with crosswords) and go to the web. I doubt if it’s “cat”. That seems too easy.

    DP, you’ll appreciate this. I just put some Glorioso’s Italian Sausage in the pan. Mmmmm…..

  6. EO says:

    Maybe we should make it into a contest. Best answer for DP saying “I have a _____”.

    Doesn’t have to be correct, just funny. Here’s a few to start.

    Boner
    Hangover
    Sunburn

  7. EO says:

    OK, in context with the tune, I’m going to guess “Hangover”, or perhaps “Sexually Transmitted Disease”, lol.

  8. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i made pizza from scratch again last night EO. i want some of that sausage for next time.

    i’ll give you a clue to the missing word. the title to the chart topper by the band Nazareth may describe my best option.

    i have been making bread like crazy for the last month or two. i am getting good. tomorrow i will be attempting this recipe. DN – this is the bread for your famous cheese toast – maybe with some shredded Swiss.

    http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/04/black-bread/

    man, i am feeling the need to make corned beef all of a sudden. i need a closer grocery store.

    also the weather here today gets an A (graded on the curve) we are at about average, 70F right now. (22 C)

    edit: you win a bag of egg rolls EO.

  9. EO says:

    DN, that cheesy toast sounds great. The best part of any grilled cheese anyway is always the edges where the cheese leaked out and got crispied up. I purposely put a lot of cheese hanging over the edges for that very reason. And mismatched or misaligned bread as well.

  10. EO says:

    OK, DP, I guess it’s time to talk hangover cures. 😛

  11. DN says:

    –DPs Painting– (unable to paste in picture)

    Here we have just a very quick glimpse of an emotional state that is in motion, pressured from multiple situations.

    It looks like a landscape painting, but is almost an abstract painting as the painter was aware of different things while painting each of the different (what appear to be) objects. (compare to Birds Eye View of Desert where the entire painting is 1 very in-depth depiction of a clear and singular emotional state)

    just a guess, but would say the painting might have went 1-background 2-sun 3- royal blue/purple (2lefts, then 3rights) 4-light blue 5-cactus 6- Green shapes (with the greens made from right to left)

    the painter will want to keep this one as a clear reminder for this time in life.

    This wasn’t fun to paint, but it was fun to have painted it. Like a person might not enjoy doing laundry, the dishes, and dusting, but those things were on the “to do” list and they enjoyed the completing of their list.
    At the end it was completed, and ‘that’s good’ (so initialed)

  12. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i have tried the usual cures EO. i took extra vitamins, drank massive amounts of water, and made a 3 egg omelette loaded with mushrooms, bell pepper, onion, and cheddar plus monterey jack for breakfast. it is too nice out to go back to bed for a while, so i am left with only the “hair of the dog” option. i am wavering.

    i can relate to your painting critique DN. yes, my life is in turmoil right now. i will soon be moved, and will be starting over. but it will truly be a new beginning. i have let go of most all materialistic desires. screw it. losing my retirement trying to protect it may prove to be a most “valuable” lesson. i am working to live from now on. i am not even going to worry anymore about saving for retirement. it’s a fucking trap! oops – feeling a bit surly as you already know. 😛

  13. EO says:

    The eggs are a good idea. I’m beginning to think sulfur is a miracle cure. Seems like orange juice always helps too. The quick shot of sugar, potassium, and vitamin C seems to address some immediate bodily needs. Maybe a shot of vodka in the OJ isn’t the worst idea either. 🙄

  14. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i toughed it out EO. i deserved the punishment for my gluttony last night.

    here is some stuff that i am exploring. i wonder if mammon and wetiko describe the same condition. i meant what i said above about materialism. i am done with it – as much as i can be. but we are all slaves to the system as long as it holds together.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammon

    http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/vida_alien/alien_archons17.htm

  15. DN says:

    EO- Oh yes, burnt cheese is delicious (we’re so refined!)
    But give it a shot next time, just throw a bread slice shaped handful right onto the skillet and the bread on top of it. when it’s close to ready the cheese-toast will become scootable on the skillet.

    DP- how did i do as to the order in which the painting’s objects were painted. And you are right handed, yes?
    From the sounds of your BAC level, you may not remember!! LOL
    You need to get a jar of this southern home brew, it’s high octane, and unbelievably smooth. Never any type of hangover, so far, but then i don’t take it to the levels i used to,… back when they say i was attending high school and college, so who knows. +add opiates to your list of possible cures 🙂

  16. xty says:

    Never say no to narcotics! I will be the Anti-NancyReagan.

    Yesterday was a peach of a day and we took Ben’s dad’s old boat up to my mum’s old cottage … yes, welcome to the sandwich generation, and we are not DP’s yummy bread, just some butter spread thin like when Bilbo explains to Frodo why he feels the needs to pass on his burden – and while the thing needs some loving care, it is a terrific thing to be burdened with.

    Here is the view from the river as we are leaving … it hides the interior best:

  17. EO says:

    For a friend, who suggested this with respect to bizarre goings on at The Swamp.

  18. Dude Stacker says:

    Aye, peach of a day ’twas, lass. We spent the entire day doing working outside and soaking up the sun. Found some morels, but not in the woods…………

    Along about beer thirty, we decided to call it a day and shower up. We surmise that the box showed up then or in that blissful interlude between getting out of the shower and getting dressed 😉

    We found it when we went out to eat. Al fresco yes, au naturel no.

    Looking forward to tonight’s meal of sauteed morels, shallots, and venison.

  19. EO says:

    I came to post this cartoon, but it just struck me that there might be a suitable replacement for my term “The Swamp” here in xty’s post. “Loon Soup”, lol.

  20. xty says:

    I just realised that you probably don’t have a holiday today, having cast off the distant monarchy. We get to celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday, always early for reasons I cannot imagine. She picked Ottawa to be the capital of Canada, when looking at a map and seeing the confluence of three rivers, the Ottawa which leads into the St Lawrence as does Lake Ontario, the Gatineau which was hugely important for lumber, and the Rideau that gave access to the Great Lakes through lake Ontario.

    I don’t think she thought about temperature.

  21. DN says:

    Ahhh… Interesting!! Maybe people who nervously want to control the gun ownership of others do so because they assume everybody else shares their similar lack of common sense.

    Like how the weak and fearful masses often “group-think” up some pseudo-intellectual reasoning and then rush toward socialism/communism.

    I highly recommend Glock pistols, they are simple, super reliable, very accurate and affordable.
    I’ve owned/carried a Glock model 22, (.40 caliber) for years. (I also sometimes go hurling down the highway in a 3,000 pound vehicle, and have even been known to cook over an open flame without supervision! I’m out of control!! lol)

    Here’s a good overview of the Glock 19, it’s a 9mm that would be perfect for Xty.

  22. EO says:

    It stikes me as one of those “tragedy of the commons” sort of deals. Obviously, carrying a gun makes a given individual feel safer, and yet in the aggregate this makes everyone less safe. What is the answer? I have no idea, yet I doubt if having everyone carrying is it.

  23. xty says:

    I have a wishy-washy answer too – it depends on population density and urban vs rural. Not all places should have the same rules. If I were walking through downtown Detroit, I might feel differently than downtown Ottawa. I wouldn’t mind having a gun at the cottage, but I really don’t feel much of a need for one at home.

  24. EO says:

    I was going to go there also, to the urban-rural divide. We all think we are making rational choices, based on our own experiences. Rural people tend to run conservative, perhaps in part because the concept of a “commons” is relatively foreign to them. Each man’s home is his castle, more or less. And then just the opposite, with more population density, the “commons” is reality. People need to cooperate, or at least tolerate, their fellow man, warts and all, or the whole thing becomes anarchy.

    Actually, I only came back today because this article just sort of blew my mind. I’m behind on my chores.

    Mick Jagger Becomes Great-Grandfather

  25. DN says:

    Yes, that is probably why socialism/communism always fails. …the trying to decide what would be best to “have everyone else do” thing… it’s a non-starter.

    Carrying a gun doesn’t really make me feel “safer” as much as it’s more like having a jack and a spare tire in my vehicle. If the situation arises that I need it, it’s there and I can use it to remedy the situation and continue on Having a Nice Day. Or I suppose i could also be in a position to help someone else who might suddenly find themselves in a a bad situation.

    You say carrying a gun makes you feel safer, and there is that. What do you carry?

    I keep a little 5-shot .22 magnum pocket revolver in my car, and it would be great to have if somebody decided to jump in and request I jump out (a favorite hobby of young male Atlanta “citizens”) But it’s only accurate (for me) to about 10 feet.
    I stick it my pocket when going into the mall or wherever, but it’s not much.

    What if ‘everyone’ suddenly started carrying? (actually many already do)
    Eh…. makes no diff to me,
    Although it doesn’t go unnoticed by the thuggery. Kennesaw Ga. had a law requiring everybody have a gun. Violent crime, burglary, etc. went to nil.
    But even though I choose to own and carry a gun whenever/where ever I feel like it. And even though the guns did make Kennesaw a safer place… I disagree with the law “Requiring” people buy themselves a gun. Just as I wouldn’t support a law that “Required” people to vote, or to speak freely, or attend assemblies or gatherings.

  26. Pete Maravich says:

  27. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i have nothing really to add to the gun debate. i am libertarian but with “common” sense. i considered getting a carry permit, but decided against for now. too expensive here, and i also don’t want my favorite pistol put into a government data base.

    the black rye is going in the oven soon. so far, it seems like it will be perfect. i would not try that recipe if you are a beginner. in fact, i don’t think a person who hadn’t ever made bread by hand before could pull it off. as i have said, i have a bread machine, that i want to give away. they do not make very good bread, and you are not learning any skills! hey, ya think i’m turning into a bread snob? 😯

    DN – yes i am right handed. you did not get the order correct. but that is because of the nature of the art programs. you have to have some strategy ahead of time, especially to paint things in a certain order. for instance, the background has to come after certain objects are painted because there is a “paint bucket” tool that allows you to fill in all unpainted areas, or areas completely enclosed in by paint, with one click. also, colors will blend somewhat when you overlap, or paint on top of paint. it is really almost the exact opposite to painting on a real canvas.

  28. EO says:

    Remind me not to go to your mall when you are there.

  29. DN says:

    LOL, ok. Just in case my “Mall-Sweeper” might get loose on me!!

    The only reason i stick it in my pocket is so it doesn’t get stolen with or out of the car.
    (The old ladies working in the Kitchen Knives section at Bed Bath & Beyond have me way out-gunned!!)

    DP- is there some way for a beginner to make a really quick, really simple, biscuit or cornbread like thing? Something fast in the skillet that’s already hot.

  30. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    i am working on a loaf of that rye. one of the simple joys of life is eating home made bread, right out of the oven. it turned out quite good – but i am going to have to tweak it. for one thing, it could use more caraway seed!

    the answer to your question is yes DN. in fact, they are called “quick breads”. these are breads that use baking powder or soda instead of yeast, and are more akin to a batter than a dough. do a quick internet search of corn bread. i bet you have what you need on hand. you can actually cook it on the stove top, or bake it, right in your cast iron skillet. i have even made it with my dutch oven, in a campfire.

  31. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    the new thread killer topic is guns. even slang connotation for opiate delivery devices will do the trick.

  32. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    double whammy…

  33. DN says:

    Excellent DP!
    I was about to post a GnR/Opiate follow-up vid earlier but was watching some old movie- The Ride Back (or something like that) but yeah,… Love GnR.
    Back when they were touring (80s?) they were one of the biggest shows ever… with Axl (imo) as one of the greatest front men ever.
    But here’s what i don’t get,… when you blow it up like that, it’s a once in a lifetime thing. Like winning the Super Bowl or something… so why do they years later want to try and put something else together??
    It would be good to have a sit-down with Axl and talk about this, yes?
    … just a thought,
    Night Shift log entry – 0117 hours

  34. xty says:

    Good Morning. We got home late last night, after having had a very excellent family weekend.

    The guns thing really is such a question of where one grew up … when DP has considered getting a carry permit, it just goes to show, him being such a commie pinko most of the time! If I lived in the southern states, I would probably be a happy gun mad momma. But living where I do, the best we have really come up with is a baseball bat near the door, and wondered about getting a flare gun because they worked like a charm in a number of movies. Spoiler alert, because this trailer doesn’t actually show a scene with a flare gun:

  35. xty says:

    My dad was a pretty good bread maker, and I have to agree the bread machine we had never really made anything decent, although if you just got it to make the dough and then baked the bread in the oven it was a different kettle of fish.

  36. xty says:

    And yes, why do old rockers have to embarrass themselves? I saw one of the Who’s first last concerts when I was only 17. And other than Hot Rocks I basically never liked the Stones much and now they just never ever ever seem to have had enough. Make way for the youth of today you fuddy-duddies! Sit around on your heaps of money and complain about those youths, but put down the microphone. Time to be a cranky old person.

  37. Dude Stacker says:

    Of course, the “f” word is a fricative. Back in the day, it was definitely not acceptable in mixed company. I remember reading Norman Mailer’s Word War II novel Naked and the Dead where he broke boundaries by using the euphemisistic “fug”.

    In college, if it would slip out in skirted company (yes girls wore skirts then, not pants), I would invariably hear “I don’t like that word”. I would try to assuage their affronted sensibilities by diverting their attention with a discourse on fricatives, saying “fuck is the very best example, can you think of a better one?”.

    I watched my language until I was in my late 30’s and had hired an early twenties girl who used it in every sentence. That was my tongue-loosening watershed moment. Hey, ya gotta keep up with the times, right? (insert “f” word laced bombast here)

  38. xty says:

    I find cussing is very helpful … but I do find that there are situations where it is highly inappropriate. You want to save it for impact, as well. Interestingly, though, increased swearing and inappropriate swearing is definitely a sign of increasing mania. Cruder talk than usual is a character change that should be noted, unless you do it so you can be hip enough not to be dismissed by the next generation, and hope the early twenties’ girl still thinks of you as a potential mate, not a disgusting old man.

    Not that you would have hit on her, it is just one likes to think these things might still be possible.

  39. Dude Stacker says:

    No, not hip, just a relaxed fall back into a habit. Swearing is a crutch and a habit many times passed on from father to son, as in my case. If you’ve ever been around a bunch of blue collar guys you’ll see how habit forming it can be. It takes effort to break a bad habit.

    I do use the effort here, for the most part. 🙂

    As for being hip, I stopped trying to be long ago when I realized I just naturally am.

  40. xty says:

    Yes, no need to try to be cool when one just is.

    My comment sounded stiffer than it was meant to … my hubby is hilarious to watch trying to switch modes from bar down the street to chatting with neighbours with wee children.

    My dad wasn’t a curser, and his occasional foray into swearing had us usually rolling in the aisles. I remember him once saying “that really burns my butt” … and one of my very close relatives, when a young teen, managed to saw off the end of the board he was standing on, and fell a few feet onto the path below and uttered “jesus christ”, to which my atheist father suddenly replied, ‘don’t take the name of the lord in vain”, and we kind of lost it. A decade of humanism and then, wham, he tries to pull the god card,

    But I still say you need to have something in reserve in case a lion starts eating you or something.

  41. Dude Stacker says:

    Rather than swearing, some people just sing a lament when something like that happens.

  42. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    lots of stuff here. well, i’m a rambler by nature. yes Xty, even a flaming commie like me believes in gun ownership. we have had a few break ins in my area – and some of them involved battery, and also the killing of pets. so i keep one loaded on the nightstand, and i also have a very ugly looking shotgun for home defense. if i ever have to use that, i hope to get them near a window, so after impact, they bleed out on the lawn. by the way, i have answered the door a few times with a pocket full of fun. one time it was the Jehovah’s Witnesses. it turned into an interesting conversation. anyway, i believe that one has an absolute right to self defense of their own person, their private property, and of course, of their family. and a right to defend themselves against a tyrannical government.

    old rockers – as long as they can pull it off. i saw the Stones twice. the first time they nailed it, the 2nd time, not so much. at 100 bucks a ticket these days, they don’t get a 3rd chance.

    curse words – free speech right? i can get pretty surly. usually when i do i am not out to impress or make new friends. so STFU already. 😛

  43. Dryocopus pileatus says:

    oops. i forgot to include this. my point is that the guy with the gun got through the melee with not even a scratch on him. 😮

  44. xty says:

    Here is the scene that makes me think of a lion eating you as an opportunity for self-expression. Start at 6 mins 20 secs:

    http://youtu.be/NO04zWdh8_Y?t=6m20s

  45. xty says:

    And there seems no need to correct odd versions of history that I see have been posted to the interwebz. What happened happened, and to use a lovely cliche, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. We all know what actually happened, regardless.

  46. Pete Maravich says:

    pretty cool version of this tune, just found it the other day. peace.

  47. Pete Maravich says:

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