It is an old topic, but it never gets old: emotional vampires.
In the legend that has grown up around Bram Stoker’s Dracula, there is a crucial piece of advice that could save one a lot of trouble: you have to accept his invitation to enter his castle, and you have to invite him into your own home. He is bound by this polite convention, and cannot barge into your life unless you let him.
I am not sure when I first encountered, or should say recognized, that I was in the presence of what can only be called a dangerous person. Someone who clearly was operating outside normal rules, and solely to their own ends. These kinds of people will destroy your life, but almost casually, like the collateral damage they see you as. So how to stop them? Don’t let them start is the easy advice. Do not open that door!
But once the door is open what happens is that somehow their concerns become yours and you slowly get sucked into an enabling role, enabling behaviour you neither understand nor condone. Very odd, and makes a mockery of free will, until you bang your head against the wall and realise that once again you have been climbing a ladder, but it was leaning on the wrong wall, one of their constructing.
It is very hard to keep one’s ladder leaning against the right wall. To keep one’s eye on the prize, so to speak. Sometime’s the vampires are obvious: the car manufacturers that try to make you think you are a loser if you don’t have a brand new truck; or the real estate world that makes you think you need a bigger and bigger house, an investment more than a home; or toy manufacturers that make you think learning must be masked by play, and that, ironically, play alone is a bad thing.
And it all leads to giving money to the wrong people. I once smoked cigarettes. That really involved giving a lot of money to the wrong people, and is a classic example of the use of group identity to make you part with your hard earned money and time, and at great risk to your health, both mental and physical. Constructing group identity is a key component to modern emotional vampirism, and there is no escaping our need to create a self image, and we use the world around us to give us clues as to what will be the correct image, or most acceptable. Even when we think we are shunning convention, we are of course using convention as our yard stick, so there really is no escape: ineluctable, to resurrect a word of the day.
I am all for belonging to innocent groups. Cheering for your local hockey team, or one in a nearby city when need arises [but not on a national level, that would be heartless] seems like innocent enough rivalry and I can only hope it has arisen to avoid old fashioned internecine warfare. Belonging to a gym or dojo, a competitive [or sort of competitive, be honest, ed.] team brings a kind of self-affirmation through group identity that builds a positive self-image. Yes, you part with money. But you come away with knowledge that makes your every day moments better.
So how to recognize when someone else’s goals have replaced your own? How have they implanted their worries into your head? Television bombards one so obviously, with the volume increasing on the ads, that one feels immune. But one is not. The internet is a different story, where choice of content is broader, and changing channels easier.
Why to spend one’s time where? How to choose between knowing about stuff and doing stuff? We spend our time so much more casually than our money, it is amazing. People talk about budgeting their money, but how often have you heard of anyone sitting down and calculating how to spend the hours in their week? I know hideously successful people have strangers do this for them, but that obviously would really suck, and I also know that nice unsuccessful people would never do such a thing, but you take my point I hope.
So back to the emotional vampires:
a) don’t let them in;
b) keep an eye out for any you might have let in by mistake, by seeing how they affect your mood and performance;
c) remember to check your long term goals and not get caught up in short term ones that lead you astray and off the main path;
d) remember that bad news sells and question whether the information you are getting matches your actual everyday experience;
e) don’t do things that feel wrong just because you are told they are the way things are done.
We help to create the reality around us with every choice we make, and it is very hard to find the right balance between selfishness and contribution when time is so precious. So it really bites when one contributes to bad things, which happens inadvertently all the time, but when it is or becomes advertent [building my case for ept, etc.], then we have a real problem.
A lesson I failed to learn in investing fits this awfully well. It doesn’t matter what you paid for something, or what you think it should be worth. The price is the price. But that also means every day is a new day to recreate the present out of the detritus of the past, sloughing off the barnacles and righting the wee ship, whatever that ship might be, and wherever you have decided to chart your course.
So sorry for the serious sermon, but a reminder that the emotional vampires are out there, often hoping to suck your wallet dry along with your soul, seemed seemly, and on a Sunday no less.
In searching for a closing, I found this, and while knowing nothing about the author of the blog, she obviously is some sort of cyber sister in emotional experience, and I just might have to read the book she read, Emotional Vampires, Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by Albert J. Bernstein, Phd., from which she extracted this quotation:
Don’t they just. So show them the back door, eat lots of garlic, and have a sunny Sunday.
Good stuff, xty. As I said to someone recently, on a related topic, “It can be terminal, but only if you let it.”
I remember a fish identification book we had that said the Tiger shark (or maybe Nurse shark, I just figure keep away from all sharks except reef sharks is the best advice) was mostly harmless, and then at the end of the description said it was sometimes fatal. It just depends how you interact, and that is mostly voluntary. Makes me think of Steve Irwin who died with a sting ray sting in his heart. You have to be careful around dangerous things, and that includes ideas.
call it what you want. be careful out there. the internet is for better or for worse.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_relations
Dude, EO – just stay inside today. i only lasted about 10 minutes out there. OH MY GOD! it’s March for cripes sake.
i like this topic Xty. excellent. i hope to be back later to see where this goes.
It was a nurse shark, I found the book. Harmless, but bite if provoked, and though the teeth are small they are tenacious, it said, and hence the bite is occasionally fatal.
They are also nocturnal, so the old adage to let sleeping dogs lie also applies to sleeping sharks. No need to up the potential fatality of one’s day.
And I have been lucky enough to see more than one nurse shark, one sleeping peacefully and the other cruising by my daughter’s toe, as we dawdled along the beach at one of the nicest places I have ever stayed. A picture of which I shall post as an antidote to the delightful winter weather, which is going to hold on just long enough to make for an excellent maple syrup run, one can only hope.
Old Bahama Bay
I forgot to say it was Old Bahama Bay, a hop skip and a jump from that hell hole, Miami airport, and close to a hidden treasure, Paradise Cove, at least is was last time I was lucky enough to check.
I don’t know why it posted the picture twice, but here is another one from an earlier trip to Paradise Cove while I have the Bahamas, and sharks, on my mind. No one has been eaten by a shark here, you will be glad to know.
i went to the Judith Orloff blog, and followed some links. i found this article that fits well with your subject today.
http://biznik.com/articles/the-dark-side-of-empathy-vampires-doormats-martyrs-rescuers
That’s a really excellent article, DP. I’ve been thinking a lot about this sort of thing of late. Before this article. Before xty’s post today. I’ve been thinking about various things/people that have been vampires on me, that always bring me down. And likewise trying to look in the mirror and be honest about the fact that perhaps I myself have sometimes been a vampire on others. This goes on in both directions, which is the one tidbit that I’ll contribute that doesn’t seem to be talked about in the articles and posts so far today. The posts/articles imply that this sort of thing only goes in one direction. Givers vs Takers. I suppose this makes some people feel better, but it’s not that simple. Everyone reading the articles wants to pat themselves on the back and say they are the victim and resolve to stop it. Nobody wants to read that they themselves might be equally guilty.
And I’m telling you guys, I am resolved to cut down, and eventually stop, with all of it, in both directions. Which may involve changes in frequency or content of my communications with a lot of people, including some here, and some on my email list.
It has to happen. As a matter of self preservation, and also as a matter of fairness to others. There are some toxic feedback loops still very much in existence, relating to some prior common experiences, that need to be broken for everyone’s sake, once and for all. I feel like I’ve made some important strides in recent months, and I intend for that to continue.
The blogger that led me to the book about vampires admitted that she displayed characteristics of being a vampire. Her account of reading the book reminded me of having to watch a video about being a bad hockey parent as part of the trainer course. We were sure we were great, and as we watched kept thinking oh, wow, I do that, and that, and that …
yup, it is a two way street, no doubt about it.
Excellent article indeed.
EO – i know what you mean, and specifically the feed back loop issue. i made a commitment this weekend, and i intend to honor it. no more going back even to lurk.
you just cannot be around that negativity without some of it rubbing off. and consider this – it is a form of energy. energy, whether good or bad, has to go somewhere, or be used up doing something. so pass it along, or let it eat up your insides. obviously it is best to avoid the dark all together. instead, i’ll do the opposite… try to surround myself with positivity. isn’t that what karma is all about? you fine folks can be my karma. sorry for the cheese. 🙂
you guys know where i fall (fell) in the above dynamic too. i will stay on the side of being a net giver, but i am seeking balance. my vampire problem had been that of immediate family members. an important lesson for me is that victims of this sort of thing tend to get victimized over and over again. i believe that is because when parents and siblings are the vampires, you never get the chance in life to set up your boundaries – your bulwarks so to speak. narcissists and sociopaths seem to have a gift for finding people like this to scam. well i’m moving on. find another sucker. and payback is going to be a bitch.
i am going to find a volunteer position this week. there are people in my town hungry and cold. i cannot change the world by complaining, or by combating a PR campaign on the web that could be funded by Satan himself! but i can do my part locally, and i believe in the multiplier effect as i call it. so i am going to start small, and maybe my drop of water will become the torrent.
I think that is a great idea. I used to do much more volunteering, when the kids were in school and younger, then with hockey, and some with the Community Association. All were both frustrating and great. Starting local is much more likely to get the ball rolling it seems, and if it makes you feel better into the bargain, then it is just a win win.
it has proven hopeless to get even just ‘a job’ around here, which is causing me self worth issues. so by giving my time, i also will be getting something in return. i will be moving to another city next August where my specific skill set has more value. so in the mean time i can at least help someone here even worse off than me!
thank you for the topic today Xty. the timing is impeccable, and i believe this is one of your best flowing and impactful vignettes so far! but of course i need to lay on the flattery knowing full well that you wrote this masterpiece specifically with me in mind! 😛
“Vampires” fear the cross, …emotional vampires, the Fire.
Keep those with you and go where you need to go!! …without worry.
And nothing by any means can hurt you. At least that’s been my experience.
and like Xty said, eat a lot of garlic.
being Monday, and wanting to start off the week positive, i’m going to go out on a limb here (Wisconsin) and make a bold prediction! last night was the coldest night we will have this week, this month, and even the coldest night all the way until sometime next winter. it’s over and done, and good riddance. in fact my cardinal has been back for about 5 days. Spring is finally here! 🙂
http://www.wbu.com/education/cardinals.html
me too…
Oh, once upon a time in Arkansas,
An old man sat in his little cabin door
And fiddled at a tune that he liked to hear,
A jolly old tune that he played by ear.
It was raining hard, but the fiddler didn’t care,
He sawed away at the popular air,
Tho’ his rooftree leaked like a waterfall,
That didn’t seem to bother the man at all.
A traveler was riding by that day,
And stopped to hear him a-practicing away;
The cabin was a-float and his feet were wet,
But still the old man didn’t seem to fret.
So the stranger said “Now the way it seems to me,
You’d better mend your roof,” said he.
But the old man said as he played away,
“I couldn’t mend it now, it’s a rainy day.”
The traveler replied, “That’s all quite true,
But this, I think, is the thing to do;
Get busy on a day that is fair and bright,
Then patch the old roof till it’s good and tight.”
But the old man kept on a-playing at his reel,
And tapped the ground with his leathery heel.
“Get along,” said he, “for you give me a pain;
My cabin never leaks when it doesn’t rain.”
the Peter Pan version of “Arkansas Traveler”
at least give it ten minutes…
There was a time when a rise or fall of twenty dollars in the price of gold would have led me to desperately search for a reason why. What a relief. I am still a solid believer in hard metals as part of a sensible plan for an uncertain future, but my mind feels freed.
Yes, people are trying to manipulate your understanding of world news all the time. That is why it becomes pointless to get caught up in the latest crisis. We only find out what really happened much later, if at all. Tuning it out is certainly the first step. And the second step is to replace the “official” story with the at least somewhat more reliable individual story, trying to deconstruct as much authority as possible when it comes to the flow of information.
And here’s a confession. I don’t much like pancakes.
So I know getting a little dog is looked on with horror by the majority, including members of my immediate family, so now I am thinking of fostering a little dog, to see how it goes. I haven’t sent the application yet, because I need to pass this somehow through those disapproving family members, but here is the little snot that caught my attention. Is it incredibly ugly, or kind of cute?
Things I don’t want to do anymore:
#1: Go on and on about how The Swamp is run by, and populated by, agenda driven crazy people. It’s self evident by now, nothing more to be said. And no need to lurk just to be sure.
#2: Worry about any “innocents” at The Swamp who are being driven to the poor house by the misinfo they are fed every day. Anyone who is still there at this point is too stupid to save and deserves whatever happens to them. I’ve turned off my empathy switch.
#3: No more “I told you so” posts from me. I am personally $100,000++ richer today simply because I was able to look at the facts a year and a half ago, and CHANGE…MY…MIND. That ship has sailed.
I’ll bookmark this and if I get the urge to follow up I’ll go back here and realize I’ve already said it. This alone will cut down my posting frequency here or anywhere on the web by probably 75%.
And sorry, xty, but that dog gives me the creeps. First name that popped into my mind was “Rasputin”.
It is part chinese crested, and they really are ugly. Yeah, my search may have to continue.
And yes to all of your aboves. We are at least not any poorer, and definitely on the upswing, and much happier to boot. Chicken Little has been fricasseed, and went down very well.
do what you say and say what you do.
i’m going to continue to post here and on various topics, unless i am asked not to by consensus, or by the boss! but i have said that i am done lurking, so there will be no more direct commentary by me on certain subjects. certainly relief for me and for all.
how does fostering a dog work? are they rescues that have special needs?
my wife and i have 4 cats. we rescued a whole litter. 4 cats are still easier than even one dog, and that opinion comes from personal experience. pretty sure 4 cats is easier than having even one kid too, but i am only guessing there.
it has finally happened…
http://en.ria.ru/business/20140304/188081405/Putin-Adviser-Urges-Dumping-US-Bonds-In-Reaction-to-Sanctions.html
i should say, it has finally been said. (publicly)
some reds, greens, and blues. especially blues.
blue ridges, valleys, and mountains…
rosy red cheeks, white lilies, and green back dollars.
i found another Judith Orloff article. yup, that’s me alright.
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Absorbing-Other-People%27s-Emotions
since i’m spilling my guts, here’s another article. btw – you were right before DN about the Myers Briggs – i went back later and checked. i’m an “F” not a “T”, so INFJ. but i didn’t think it seemed right for me at the time of the test.
http://www.marwaayad.com/2012/02/are-you-intuitive-empath.html
i didn’t know they had an actual name for freaks like me. 😳
for EO and the Dude. it’s OK to complain excessively this year. 😛
“Boustead, who started the project last summer, has investigated every winter since 1950 and found Detroit is having its most severe winter to date. Milwaukee and Moline, Ill., are experiencing their second-worst winter in more than 60 years, she said.”
http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/deep-freeze/snow-psychology-wicked-winter-ups-americas-misery-index-n44016
DP! Cheer up amigo, ( i know these are just words on a screen, but i had to try)
Your style of art, your music… and yes, you’re an “F”, but everything tells me INFP, as opposed to INFJ.
Check out and read up on INFP, still an F, and iNtuitive, so it will ‘relate’ to INFJ, but INFP will likely be more exact.
You had a tech job for a long time. This is totally outside the INFP world. Not that you can’t do it just as well, but it’s not an environment for you to most be yourself. What happens when someone has to operate outside their preferences is that they get good at perceiving ‘off-handed’ly.
But then once they get out of that demanding environment, like you are now… you are getting back to your old self. the way you feel and perceive and imagine is probably seeming like long ago. Not the same ‘perceptions’, but the same emotional/intuitive dynamic.
And to be honest, I asked you to check out INFP because i thought i should say it that way. But actually, i know you are an INFP.
Please read up on INFP, and vids. You guys are the most complex type to ‘reach’ imo. But one of my favorites to be around. THe most genuinely kind hearted people, will almost always be INFP.. Your primary function is Introverted Feeling (Fi)
I just started to type a bunch of stuff… but instead, please watch this video of Kendra. She’s an INFP and talks about INFPs here.
The INFP spectrum is as complex and varied as INFPs,… and That’s pretty complex. But please just watch her here. I think you’ll feel very comfortable listening to her.
Editting the vid, deleted it… here it is again.
Kendra
oh good grief, now she’s everywhere!! sorry about that.
Sometimes the videos only show up when you reload the page. I don’t know why.
Interesting and there is no doubt that we are all a stew of these things. I tested INTJ, but I can certainly empathize with much of what she said, especially the playing the game at work and hiding my grades at school. I still hate being told what to do, more than I hate being told I can’t do something, though.
My middle son should watch that. A creative tornado at night, and then a model employee, when/if working.